Saturday, July 30, 2016

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Losing myself..

I was waiting.. patiently.. but sadly.. no replies.

That grip in my hands?
Feels a little bit loose.
Afraid that I might loose it.. I've tried to grip harder.
But the harder I gripped.. the more loosen it is.

"When you love someone.. try not to tie them tightly. Because if he really loves you, he will always comes back to you no matter how far he went."

I did exactly like that.

But why am I feeling he's getting farther and farther..

It's been going on and off like this... for a such a long time.
Why bother now?

Because..

This heart is tired.

This heart is getting older.

This heart is getting weaker.

I used to have a shoulder to cry on.
Ears for all my rants and complaints.
Eyes to look at me so deeply in love.
Lips to kiss my forehead before parting.
Hands to hold my hands tightly when I cry.

I miss them.

I wish you "All the best and good luck" in everything you do.

It has been a wonderful gift.


I should be getting back to my shell.
And stay in the dark forever.

The girl with Pink Ribbon,
-Bella

Monday, July 25, 2016

..

I miss you.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

3rd day

Diarrhea on 3rd day..
No more fever and vomitting..
My guess was right. It was food poisoning.. 1 of my colleagues already admitted to ward and had drip water+antibiotic..I guess I was lucky enough to survive on myself. 100plus.. water.. and air garam.. left over from previous meds.
I don't want to be admitted. I pity my kids  Who's gonna take care of them if I'm admitted to ward?
My fever usually last 1 or 2 days.. Thank goodness its totally gone today. Yesterday I still can feel some dizziness and cold. The only thing that usually can cure me is bubur McD. Ya I know its absurd. But it has been my cure for a long time already.. Everytime I had diarrhea and fever, eating it will make me better. Eventhough I cook porridge for myself, I'm still sick.. Maybe its only a psychology game for believing too much on it to cure me. But.. heck.. I don't care. As long as I'm feeling better.

Lying down the whole day makes my back side of waist feel a little bit painful..
Tummy rumbling all the time. In and out of toilet. My gosh.. This is terrible.
Tu la.. terlebih beraya. Maybe some of the food were contaminated. Or I've mixed eating the wrong food. I don't know.

Althou I was lying down the whole weekend. I still have time to study choreography for Creative Showcase that we will be performing in August. I'm the captain of the group. Owh.. and I've rejected the Tribute to P Ramlee competition. I know it is much bigger than the CS. But frankly speaking. I don't care about the sijil. I had too many in my hands now. I just want to have time for myself.. my core work.. and the things that I love doing. It's not like I don't like doing the tribute. But seeing all the lines up. They don't really have chemistry with me. Experiencing from previous events.  I went 'krikk krikk' most of the time.
So I chose CS.. something for my own branch. Actually I've miss choreographing. But since Uni life, I don't really have the chance to choreograph fully. Cause there's so many talented people out here.
Having this opportunity, I said YES! And having my friends teaming up with me, I kinda like have this much support from them.
Let's see the outcome of this team. 😊

Gotta go to toilet again..

Bye!
-Bella

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Pathetic

Just woke up since yesterday's evening.
I should've get an MC from clinic but instead I went to work. At work all I can do is only sleep.. Diarrhea + vomitting + high fever.
I wanted to go to clinic, but my condition won't allow me to drive stabily. Asked a few of my friends to send me. But most of them are on leave... and the others has something urgent to do.. the rest, no response.. And so I sleep the whole day.
My last meal was porridge. 3 spoon of porridge. And down the toilet they go.
I can't recall how many times I was honked at traffic light on my way home yesterday. I feel like my veins on my head is about to burst.
Reached babysitter's home.. I guess I fainted in the car. Because when I woke up, the kakak is already knocking the window. She asked me if I was ok. I said no.. but I pull my last strength together to go out of the car and get the kids inside the car.

At home I lay down on the couch. Managed to message my sis in law to tapau for the kids. And then my head black out.. till now.
I don't know what happen to the kids. Pity them.. I woke up watching them sleeping near me. On the carpet in the living room. I went to the kitchen to get a glass of water and there I see boxes of kfc takeaway messy on the table.. So I guess they had their dinner already.

Pathetic.
Pity the kids.
I seldom fall sick. But when I do, I pity the kids. Nobody to take care of me. Since he is far away.
But I guess nobody seems to care either whether I'm okay or not.

Sigh! What kind of life is this.

-Bella

Friday, July 22, 2016

I miss him

Who else.. him lah.

Lately were too busy with events.
Sampai dia merajuk x kena peduli.
Bukan ignore.. tapi terlalu busy.. sampai jarang tgok fon.
And my phone is making me frustrated.. battery draining. Hishh..
Ada juga cuba2 untuk contact dia. But maybe he's busy too.. It's okay love. I understand.

Mcm ni la kalau sudah agreed on one event, events lain akan menyusul.
Raya events is over. And now, nama naik untuk pertandingan tribute to P.Ramlee pula wakil PPN 11ogos nnt.. and another pening kepala is, cawangan jadi jemputan CEO utk CS hq 22hb bulan depan.. Mmg berat akan turun dgn mendadak la lepas nih. Huhu..

I just want him to know that I might've forgot to text.. or say hi.. But it doesn't mean that I've totally forget about you. You're always in my heart. Bila teringat skejap, baru mau start capai fon tiba2 start practice.. thats why.. please don't label me like that.. huhu..

I'm sorry.

Take care love.

Missing him,
-Bella

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Sudden awake..

3AM..

What am I doing still awake at this hour?

Something is bothering me.
Nope.. its's not about tomorrow's event.

Something is missing. I've missed a puzzle. Incomplete.

Pusing-pusing atas katil. Kesian bantal kena tepuk-tepuk dituduh punca tidur tak lena.




Rindu seseorang barangkali. 😂

But.. did he miss me too?

Chiaws,
-Bella

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Shhh

Silence is better.

If you need me, you know where to find me.

Chiaws,
-Bella

Friday, July 15, 2016

#berjanjisgt

Bukan tak mahu kotakan janji.
Tapi tak mampu menepati..

Kadang-kadang banyak perkara yang berlaku diluar kawalan diri sendiri.
Sebabnya.. selalu melibatkan org ke 2.. ke 3.. dan seterusnya..

SAYA MINTA MAAF

Tak mampu kotakan janji.. Bukan tak mahu.

Maaf sangat-sangat.
Saya tidak sesempurna yang dianggap.
Biasa-biasa sahaja.

Saya tidak sengaja bah..
Please jangan judge dan label saya sebegitu. Ini bukan saya yang selalunya.. Kebelakangan sahaja saya ini semakin cuai.😢

3 hari yang sangat-sangat sibuk. Sampai abaikan kesihatan sendiri.

Rabu lalu depression. Rehearsal sampai kerah kudrat terakhir. Bila petang hari mampu telan 2 biji panadol. Demam. Kirim lauk makan malam dengan adik ipar. Kesian anak-anak.
Patutlah cepat terasa dengan perangai manusia yang menjengkelkan. Pelik dengan diri sendiri. Mengadu dengan kawan ceritakan keburukan orang lain.
Ya ampun. What have I done? I myself felt weird with my ugly behaviour. Its not me.

Bukan diri Grace sebenar.
Sampai terlupa waktu. Jam..minit dan saat.
Bila sedar "aduhh!".
Hanya mampu mengeluh.. Tertampar dengan kecuaian diri sendiri.

Semalam berlangsung majlis. Habis majlis "ahh.. masih ada masa".
Berharap ada peluang berehat dari kepenatan.
Perut memulas pula. 2-3 kali masuk jamban.. Muntah kuning pula.
Kawan-kawan ditinggal macam tu saja. Terhuyung hayang balik ke tempat. Menongkat dagu di meja kerja.. Mual.

Kawan-kawan yang ditinggal datang.. tolong urut.. buang angin di badan.
Lega sekejap. Perut pula berkeroncong. Kawan juga yang mengajak cari makanan. Terima kasih kerana ambil berat wahai kawan-kawan.

Petang pelepasan. Dapat rehat. Rasa bahagia tiada gangguan.
Walaupun sekejap. Tidak apa. Bukan selalu dapat rehat sepuasnya sebegitu.
Ibarat dunia jadi indah walaupun satu jam saja.

Balik rumah sambung tugas ibu.
Anak sulung sudah mampu mengerti, ibu ini sakit. Diletaknya kain lembab di dahi. Terdengar dia bisik dengan adik "mamy sakit".

Hari ini ke ibupejabat. Rehearsal lagi untuk Isnin.
Jadi driver. Walaupun kurang sihat, tetap senyum tampil lincah ceria.
Demi jaga air muka kawan-kawan yang gigih berlatih tanpa diri ini beberapa hari.
Hingga cukup waktu. Berlari-lari anak dalam hujan yang sangat lebat ke kereta kebalku. 😂
Balik ke pejabat asal. Turunkan kawan-kawan menumpang.. then fetch the kids.
Balik rumah.. disinilah saya.. sambil berbaring..bersosial di media sosial. Dan tehasil lah post ini.

Saya minta maaf.

Hari saya tidak selalunya baik.
Tapi saya akan cuba jadi yang terbaik.

Depression & mual beberapa hari yang lalu ternyata petanda hormon yang tidak seimbang.
'Bendera merah' pula mengambil alih.

Dalam hati terdetik "Patut lah.."

Sekian.

Chiaws,
-Bella yang cuai-

Sunday, July 10, 2016

My Junes

These are a part of my Junes 2016. I randomly picked picture from my gallery so its not in sequence. But I've put short stories on each of the pic so to let you know the gist of my Junes life. 

My 1st time doing a Kek Batik Oreo. Tiru kawan and of course videos from FB. My sons lovin' it. Not bad for a first timer huh. Hahaha
My 1st time doing a Caramel Pudding.. Results from viraled video in FB too.. The video makes me crave for the pudding. And so this is my caramel pudding. X berapa kemas, but okay la as dessert di rumah. Sven & Harvey loves it. Yumm Yumm dorg cakap bila makan. Hahaha.. Haven... hmm... as usual la si cerewet tu. Dari dulu too picky about food. Btw this was my dinner menu for the kids the other day. Husband is not around so simple cooking only. #JanganKecamSaya 😂 
This is Sven. I don't know why he is kissing the wall. Hahaha.. He was just making silly things to make us laugh at him. Bought him new clothes. MANY. Aeon Metro Prima had a member day sales on my birthday 22nd June, so I went there and shop till drop. Hahahaah.. Pajak baju anak2.. I think I bought Sven almost 10pairs of clothes. Harga 1 pairs RM10.. siapa xmau.. brand cuddles..Cheetah..etc.. quite okay bah. Of course I bought for the elder brothers too. 3pairs each. Sebab harga baju dorang mahal sikit. Hahaha.. Owh.. Btw.. I went shopping with the 3 kids ya. Sudah biasa berjalan sendiri. I can handle them. Walaupun terjerit sana sini sikit. Still can manage lah. I'm a supermommy kan. 💪
Band practice for Raya event at HQ on this 18th July. I've mention before that I've left the band to focus on my core work. But MD needs help from us the girls. He said this year's Raya theme is Girl Power. So I agreed. There are 4 of us girls and 2 guys as vocalist. We actually proposed 3 songs each. And the final shortlisted songs, I felt a bit guilty because all my 3 songs were listed. And there's 1 kakak only got 1 song listed. I asked her to do a duet with one of my song. It's not about feeling pity. But its about cari kerja senang. Duet is much easier than solo you know. Because you share parts of the song. Your work is 50% only. Hahaha.. Curi tulang jimat suara. 
I did a DIY wallpaper on my kitchen cabinet. The owner of the house sure likes old colour huh.. So I pimped out the cabinet with sticker wallpaper bought from Kaison for only RM19.90. So mood di dapur berubah suda. Hehe..Lebih ceria.. Tidak la mcm haunted kitchen. hahaha 😂
Spending time with my boyfriends. They spent most of their time with me. Although jarang2 jumpa daddy, but when daddy came, he take care of them while I go to work. No sending to babysitter's house when he is around. Since I have 3 kids in the house, every thing in the kitchen had to be in plastic. Macam nursery pula. Hahaha.. 
Kuih Makmur. Finally!!! After 9 years staying in KL baru sy jumpa ni kuih time raya!! 1 balang just for me. Hehe.. Thank you my dear friend Elina. Dia x kenal kuih nih. But because I've already asked her if she found this kuih anywhere, dia sanggup order dari xtau la kawan mana. And she left it on my table before she went for cuti2 raya. Beza makmur sini and Sabah, makmur sini ada cup. So jumlah pun agak sedikit. Harga mahal la. Huhu.  Makmur sabah dorg susun bertindih.. penuh balang, xda ruang kosong. Harga pun murah. Rasa? Of course yg di Sabah lagi mengancam la sebab sudah terbiasa rasa itu. Hehe.. Kuih wajib dicari dihari raya ni kalau di Sabah. 😄
Oh this girl? Scroll bawah laju sikit. Skip this. Hahahahahaa 😂. Actually bulan puasa ni kawan2 x cari saya sebab dorang berpuasa. If they look for me then maksudnya dorang cuti lah tu. Haha. Early June we went out pg Publika. She lost the parking ticket. Hahahaha.. Free2 bayar RM60. After bergaduh dengan guard di exit gate. Time tu Zati 'cuti'  So I offered to tapau Wendy's burger for her. Zati said "Apa2 je la. Tak kisah. Fries je pun okay". Says a girl on her period. You think I buy the bluff? I know you're hungry honey. Hahahaha. So I bought her a combo meal. She ate it like she was starving. She even finished it earlier than me. Hahaha.. Ezza just kept on looking at her phone. X tergoda katanya. And it turn out. This picture, she was on her 'cuti' mode end of June. Dia ajak pegi Wendy's. "Actually masa ko makan ngan Zati haritu dalam kereta aku cium bau dah tergoda". Hahahahaha.. And so we eat Wendy's for lunch.. almost the whole week. Maigadd.. smpai sy muakk. 
Junes.. Changes me. Hahahaha.. I went to work early. Walaupun still have a few days flexi, but most of my punch in time is before 8am. Yeayy.. Hopefully can keep this up.
I brought the kids jalan jalan at Sunway Putra. We were rejected by 2 restaurants. Bulan puasa. They thought I was muslim. I even showed my IC. And the treatment? X kena layan. Demmit. Been experiencing these bad experience during bulan puasa for 9 years. Some premise wont accept my order. And most of them are rude. Kalau xmau terima cakap baik2. Bukannya berkasar kata muka pun jelik tengok orang. I just wanna feed the kids bah. They rejected us. Ada yg bagi alasan fully booked. It was 5pm. Buka puasa 7.30pm. Come on.. End up feeding the kids at Health & Organics food. They don't like the foods. But what to do. As long as we can have a sit and have some drinks la. Budak2 mana makan healthy & organic foods. 
Haven snap this pic. Taken during take 5 from shopping at Aeon Metro Prima on my birthday haritu. 😊
Owh.. this was my mom's whatsapp message to me on my birthday. I cried right after reading it. Sobs!



Ok la.. these sums up my Junes. How was your June?

Till next post.
Chiaws,
Bella

An Owl

What am I doing still awake at this hour?

I can't sleep.

There's too many things in my mind. And I can't actually focused on any one of it.

I guess this is a syndrome of missing someone.

My whole face is swollen yesterday's morning. Especially around the eyes area.
I don't know why. Allergic to something? But I didn't take any outside foods these few days. And if its my cooking, my sons are all okay.
Still wondering why... hmmm.

I better go and make me a cup of milo drinks and eat some kuih raya in the kitchen. Bought some kuih before having this long holidays.. which is.. tomorrow's the last day of cuti-cuti.. Monday gotta go to work work work work work.. 😄

Morning fellas.

Chiaws,
Bella

Friday, July 8, 2016

Sadly missed

Its been a long 100 days.. without you my friend.
'Life must go on'.
I know you would say these words if you're still around.
I still remember when I told you stories about me.. What people says about me behind my back.
You told me "ko kasi lebih lagi Grace. Baru dorang tambah sakit hati". 
You're in a better place now my friend.
#ArfaDlmKenangan
Chiaws,
Bella

Lovin' this..

I was accepting requests from my Facebook friends.. song requests.. Lately I'm active on Smule and posted video of me karaoke-ing songs that are requested by friends..

And someone requested me to do a cover of this song.

So I tried..

The 1st time I heard it, I fell in love with the song. Never heard of it before. But I know Sarah Bareilles. She sang the I'm not Gonna Write You A Love song.. But this one.. Never heard of it...

So.. I would like to share this song with all of you..

Enjoy the song. 😊

Chiaws,
Bella

7/7/14

Harley Sven Tomson turns 2 years old.

No cakes.

Coz mommy in no mood of cutting cake when daddy is not around. 

But mommy did a video of you my dear Sven.
From the day you were born until today.
We'll celebrate your birthday once daddy is around end of this month ya baby?
Mommy loves you so much.
You are the easiest child mommy ever handled.
You were born after 15 minutes in labour room.. Thank you.. mommy didn't suffer so much pain like your brothers. 
You fell asleep easily on your own. No need for lullabies..
You eat everything mommy feed you.
Even the babysitter loves you so much. Coz she said you are the easiest baby she ever babysit.
You even make mommy cool down from temper when you make the house messy.. Talcum powder everywhere.. Drawings on the floor.. Mess the folded clothes..
You know how to make mommy melt down.. and even hug you whenever mommy in hot temper.

Happy Birthday my son.

Chiaw,
Bella 

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Kalis

Bila sudah terlalu berdikari, orang akan anggap kau kuat. Kau tabah hadapi semua. Kau kalis.
Kebal.

Realiti? Tidak.
Salah semua tu.

Iya, ada bagusnya berdikari. Kau mampu berdiri atas kaki sendiri dalam segala hal tanpa bantuan orang lain.
Dan kau sudah terlalu biasa.
Terlalu biasa hinggakan rutin harian kau langsung tidak memerlukan orang lain dalam hidup kau.
Sebab kau mampu..

But.

You still have that sense of belonging in you.

Long for someone to be your lead.
Cause you've done being the leader.


Sigh!

Chiaws,
Bella

Friday, July 1, 2016

Cut Cost for living

I've came across this viraled issues in Facebook regarding Astro's hidden charge. The victim complained about the poor service and she was going to terminate the service but there's a termination charge amounting RM360.
Long story short. Nda berbaloi pun.

I've been handling my family's financial matters since married. My husband trusted me so much that he knew, I can solve, decides and plan the best for the family's expenses.

For me, if you can get entertainment from other service provider with better rates and service, why not?
Astro only offers you entertainment through their channels..Segments they created.. Reality shows.. Semua dalam tv.
Bagi saya yang bekerja 5 hari seminggu nih? Not worth it. Sebab jarang watch movie. And movie yang dorg siarkan x selalunya berkenan di hati. Ada yang berulang2 dalam 1 hari ntah brapa kali ulang..
Its been 5 years I dont have Astro. Why? Back in 2011, zaman pekerja sambilan yg gaji hanyalah RM56 sehari, husband still a student.. tinggal di apartment sewa RM600.. anak ada 2.. I have to cut cost! Masa tu cuma guna Streamyx. Jatuh cinta dgn Unifi, sbb streamyx sgt lah lembab. Ambik pakej paling murah VIP5 RM149. Back then xda GST. Hahahahaha.. Pakej tu pakej basic channel tv, Highspeed internet & home phone.. Then tambah la RM30 untuk pakej Platinum Pack. 😄.. So bil jadi RM179. Sampai la skrg pakej sama... cuma harga naik la sejak ada gst.. Total bayar skrg RM189.75.. Tapi still puas hati.. Sebab dapat tgok tv, highspeed wifi internet di rumah, & free domestic calls. Selalu juga call kampung. Sbb sorg pun pasang streamyx suda di rumah. Hehe.

So? Mana kamu mau? Astro.. channel tv semata²..
Atau Unifi.. Tv+Wifi+Phone?

Hahahaha.. Buat lah keputusan berdasarkan keperluan sendiri.. Ini saya cerita based on saya.. Utamakan penjimatan.. & kepentingan keperluan. Saya ambil kira macam ni. Dalam seminggu, 5 hari saya bekerja. 2 hari cuti, konfem anak conquer Tv.. Kalau dpt tgok pun mungkin sekejap² saja. Jadi, berbaloi kah ko bayar astro mahal², tapi ko jarang tengok & channels merapu? Iya Hypptv saya pun, ada sy tmbh RM30 utk tambah channel movies.. tapi puas hati.. sebab channels tu mostly my favourite.. anak pun suka channels2 yg ada.

I've always hold on to Moeslow's hierarchy of needs theory.. Kalau kamu tengok tu pyramid, bahagian bawah dia lagi besar.. makin ke atas, makin runcing kan.. Runcing tu maksudnya, kurang diperlukan. Tapi kalau sudah tahap mampu capai tanpa masalah, then kepuasan diri dapat la dicapai. Self Actualization dia bilang tuh yg sana puncak pyramid. Terpulang.

Btw.. Here I attached few of the channels provided by Hypptv.. Boleh pilih pakej mana yang kamu suka.

Sadly.. di Sabah ada suda unifi.. tapi connection tidak sehebat disini Semenanjung. Maklumlah baru² saja lebar sayap ke sana kan. (Info ni sy dengar dari kawan² di Sabah.)

I'm targeting to cut cost my house rent.. The most expensive expenses dalam monthly budget kami. Hmm.. Tapi so far.. selesa.. Thats why we chosed this terrace house at first.. Keselesaan perkara utama.

But hey.. syukur.. setakat ni gaji masih boleh cover the whole family. 😄
Side income pun membantu.. and believe me, God will never let you suffer alone. Kalau kau berusaha, tiada yang mustahil. Dan kadang², Dia buat 'magic' saat kau memerlukan. Belum sempat kamu minta tolong, ada yg dihulurkan... syukur...
Kadang kala nda faham dengan orang yang kuat bergaya berlagak kaya nih. Hakikatnya, poket kosong. Menang pada gaya saja.

KEYWORD: BE THANKFUL.

Jangan berbelanja lebih dari kemampuan.

Chiaws,

Bella