Saturday, January 30, 2016

Not anymore

It's not the same.

It's even way much more different than before.

How can I face this alone.
I feel cheated.
Betrayed.
Fooled.

I try to tell my heart that I was overthinking.
That I was overreacting.
That my hormone is hiking up and down without reasons.

But the fact that it's not the same anymore.
Really hurts me.

I didn't expect for gold or diamond.
I only ask for attention.
To show that you do care.
It's the least that I can ask for.
Not more than that.

I just want you to show me that you do care.
But I guess you'll never read between the lines.

What's left is hope.
Only hope..
..that miracles will happen one day.
And I am waiting for that day to come.

-Bella

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Pissed off

It was supposed to be a quality time.
But it started not really well.

And now, I end up feeling angry.
There are times when I disagree with that snobbish and rude conversation. Maybe it was an attempt on making stupid jokes, but I find it really rude. Especially when I didn't finished my sentence yet and you make fun of it.

I'm so pissed off right now!!!
Arghhhh!!!!

My angry heart,
-Bella

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Worry less

Just got back from hospital pusrawi.
Sent my MIL for doc review since she's experiencing fast heartbeat around 11pm.
But thank God everything is okay now and we're home while she's sleeping upstairs. 😊

And now I'm facing difficulties to fall asleep.
There are few things that still playing on my mind but some of it I still can't figure it out.. what it is.

I just hope everything will get better. If its meant to be forgotten, and ignored then I hope I can surpass this weird feeling of mine.
Puzzles are still missing.

Be strong heart.

My crying heart,
Bella

Monday, January 18, 2016

Dear Happiness

I hope everything will get better.

Dear happiness.. Please come back to me.
Coz things are still quite shaky now.
And it gives me a sense of insecurity.

Come back dear happiness.

I hate being sad.

-Bella

Saturday, January 16, 2016

2nd trimester

My munchkin..

He/She is in 12week old now.
Last time I've scanned, baby was moving its fingers.. scratching my tummy from inside. And then it keep turning and tossing around. Doc can't get a proper image of it.. and also the gender.
It's okay.
If its a boy I'll name him Hardy/Howie.
If its a girl I'll name her Hannah Christelle. :)
Owh yes. I am hoping for a princess this time around. (That's why I already decided a full name) hee.. I have a line of gentlemens right now.. 3 soldiers. Looking for miracles to happen.

My hormones are terrible. 1st time in my pregnancy my face was full of pimples. Uneven skin tone. And no glows at all. I remember my 3 sons, I was quite crazy with dressing up and makeup. This time around I am messy.. From head to toe. Sigh.. So lazy to play dress up. Sometimes I even go to work with uncombed hair.. and bare face. Totally bare face and pale.

Since my spectacles were broken, I dont have a choice but to wear contact lense. And to wear coloured contact lense means that I have to wear some makeup. If not I will look damn funny yet weird.

Huh? What am I doing posting in here at 2.20AM?

My tummy was growling.. I didn't had any dinner last night. And so do the other nights. I lost my appetite. And I don't know what is wrong with my emotion. Something is bothering me and I can't figure it out what it is. This has been going on for few weeks now. I really hope everything will be back to normal soon. Because this is so tiring and stressful..

Hello Heart.. What is wrong with you? Get well soon Heart.

My crying heart,
-Bella

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

If...

It's a sad feeling when actually you were angry with someone. But you can't throw all your tantrums towards them. And then you end up crying like a little baby. Cry because you can't show your anger.

Especially in times like these.. during pregnancy.
You'll try your best not to curse at people. Because you're scared it will bounced back at you.

Being pregnant means that you need someone that you can rely on whenever in need. A shoulder to cry on and a smile that will brighten up your gloominess.

Not a crushed heart.. a rock bottom situation. Try to avoid all the negativity. But looks like all the negativity is trying to eat me alive.

Heart is torned.
Head is spinning.
Thoughts are messed up.
And life becomes miserable.

What is happening to me.

If only... This misery were taken out of my life chapters. Then it will be a peaceful life to end till end of time.
But of course..
'If'...

My crying heart,
-Bella

Monday, January 11, 2016

Blinded

I've lost my most essential thing.

I'm going blind until I get a new pair of eyes.

Thanks to Sven's bum.

HE SAT PROUDLY ON MY SPECTACLES!

Saturday, January 9, 2016

...

I've lost a piece of puzzle.

I hope I can find it to complete me.

😢

-Bella

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Fuuuhhhh..what a relief.

When old bad memories came and haunts you back.
It was a stupid action back then. But those were the years where I was noob and stupid.
I've been laughing at it for years treating it as jokes. But look what happens now. It really turned everything upside down.
I never should've played with carma. What you give, you get back. But thou it shakes me well these days,
I'm quite glad that everything is cleared and no more clouds shrouding us. At least I'm not scared anymore. No more feeling insecured. It's a fresh feeling.. same as right after you took a bath. Hahaha.. I'm terrible in giving examples.
I hope everything will goes well this year. My baby bump is showing now. Baby is healthy.. entering my 13 weeks old.
My fourth child.
Mommy loves you so much baby.
Till next post..

My hungry tummy,
-Bella Ace

Saturday, January 2, 2016

New year

...new life.

Everything will change for sure.

Enough of being in the comfort zone.

This is an oath, not a promise.