Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Something isn't right

Major heartbreak.

Either its coincidence or not.

I don't like it at all.

Enough la.. adoiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Regaining my health

Hi there.

I'm on hiatus for a while now.
Still on recovery and regaining my health back to normal since I've lost a lot of blood the other day.

Btw, little Hope is already buried at the back of my mom's house. My mom in law managed to come to KL a.s.a.p and she brought the fetus back to Sabah.
Yes.. We named the baby little Hope. Because he/she gave me hope 😊.. We can't figure out whats the gender.. cuz the fetus is too small..

I'm still pale. I myself have to admit that my face is awfully pale. 😂
Husband keep checking my eyes.. "ko pucat la cyg".. He's been checking quite a few times already. I'm feeling okay. Sometimes tired.. sometimes a little pain under my stomach.. Still have some bleeding.. But my appetite is okay. I eat a lot. Guess that I'm pale because of the blood lost.
Well.. its a pool of blood on my bed the other day. I almost faint seeing my own blood on the bed. Soaking in it while waiting for the fetus to come out. Can you imagine that? Can you bear soaking wet in your own blood? 😅

I'll be coming back to my hometown this weekend. Flight is on Friday morning..and will be back here on next Monday evening. At first, the trip back home is for a friend wedding. But I guess another agenda came up. We migbt be having a small family gathering and a little prayers for the fetus.. He/she is a part of our family.. A part of myself.. And already has a heartbeat for 3 months until it suddenly stopped. I hope I can have a grip of myself and doesn't crack whenever I miss the baby. The whole 2 weeks when I first knew about the miscarriage really cracks me up. People might call me 'meroyan'. Well it's not meroyan actually. It's more to disappointment. A rock bottom fall. Sengsara bah.... Hati ni.. aduii... Macam kena cucuk2 pisau.. tabur garam.. lepas tu sambung lagi cucuk pisau...and so on.. 😭

I've made a promise to move on. Yes. Move on.
But I will never forget my baby.. my little Hope.

I am a mother of Four. Not three, but Four.

Haven
Harvey
Harley
Hope

Chiaws,
-Bella

Friday, February 19, 2016

Goodbye..

The wait is over.

Fetus has already come out this evening.. around 3.30pm..
The doc gave me the 1st Cervagem this morning.. at 6.30am..and maybe they lost track of the time because supposedly another dose at 9.30am..but the doc only gave me at 11.30.. itu pun sbb senior doc buat round check masa tu.. Kalau harapkan Houseman, semua pun dorg lupa.. kesian tgok doktor2 pelatih ni.. asyik kena marah.. Tapi apa boleh buat.. hakikatnya dorg kena alert all the time.
So far.. still ok.. I'm still quite satisfied with this Gynaecology Department.😊

After second dose of the drug, feel painfull right below my stomach area.. I guess there lies the uterus. Sakit mcm mau beranak.. Ngilu2.. contraction dtg & pergi.. mula2 tu boleh tahan lagi.. hampir 2.30pm, pegi toilet..mau wee-wee.. bnyaknya darah.. tgh dalam toilet nurse ketuk, bagitau perlu insert 3rd dose.
So, back to my bed.. lying down, the doc about to insert the drug, then kansel..sbb dia cakap "membranes dah nampak ni.. dah tinggal nak keluar je lg". Then the doc and nurse pun decide not to insert the 3rd dose. They left me lying there with legs spread apart.. "kalau banyak darah atau dah keluar, panggil saya".. Thank goodness still ada kain sbg penutup. 😂 Wayang free!!!!

So there I am.. lying there.. from 2.30 till 3.30.. the pain... oh my goodnesss........ So painful.. (but not too painful as giving birth.. but almost the same contraction).
Around 3.30, I feel something is coming out...and its quite big. "This is it" I mumble to myself. The moment that I've been waiting for since I knew I had a miscarriage. And I'm glad it happened at hospital.. not at home. After looking at the sac, the whole sac is still intact. My guess is the baby is still in it.. Lying there quietly.. 😢

I pressed the emergency button.. Cuz I can't stand up..or else everything will fall on the floor. And I'm sure you'll get the picture of how messy it will be. 😂
No one came.. Pressed the emergency button again. I guess its not working.. A dummy button only. Gladly I'm staying in a room of 4 beds. I asked my neighbour to call for the nurses. She went and call them. Tq kakak.. 😊
Nurse came, she took the sac..put it in the container..and show it to me.. to take a last look before sending to Forensic. Only after I discharged, then my husband can take it home. Its quite strict here. The nurse gave me a shot on my thigh. So painfull... 😭 the shot is needed in order to shrink the uterus. After that.. the nurse help me change my clothes.. my pad. cleans everything.. then I passed out. Pitam. Cuz I had Aenemia.. after a lot of blood lost lagi.. konfem pitam.. I was conscious a few minutes later..Still lying on my bed. Called my husband. And I was glad that he was on his way with the kids. Its almost 4.30pm.. Visiting hours. I smiled.. then hanged up.. All I can do is lying down. The pain is still there.. rasa loya.. mau muntah.. sakit perut gila2.. tu semua effect the shot given. Ya, I know.. Cuz previously after giving birth pun sy mcm tu..

I'm glad everything turn out smoothly.. As what I've always wanted. I thought I will be undergoing a D&C..where they korek the baby. 😭 Turned out that they only gave me ubat.. So everything keluar normally.. Its the least that I can do for my fetus. Mummy x dapat lahirkan ko dgn selamat.. Tapi mamy janji and berjaya keluarkan ko cara normal & selamat kan baby. 😊

Mungkin bukan jodoh kita di dunia wahai anak.. Tunggu mummy di sana nanti.. Kita jumpa..
12 minggu 5 hari.. jantungmu berdenyut dalam rahim mummy. Minggu ke 14 mummy dpt tahu kau sudah tiada.. Tapi mummy masih bawa2 kau dlm perut sampai la minggu ke 17, 1 hari.. umur yg spatutnya hari ini.. akhirnya kau keluar..
Rasa sayang itu ada.. konfem ada nak.. Mummy sayang ko sangat2.. Tapi, mungkin Tuhan ada perancangan lebih baik untuk kita nak. Bersyukur sangat.. sbb kau keluar dlm keadaan yg cantik.. duduk diam2 dlm kantung..perfect.. sempurna keluarnya. Huhu.
Sedih.. Anak ke 4 mummy..

Semoga mummy ada rezeki lagi..

Sven dtg dgn daddy & abang²..
Pastu tertidur di tepi mamy.. nyenyaknya.. Malam sebelum tu x dpt tidur.. asyik merengek bilang daddy.. rindu mummy ya.. hihi..

Thank you to everyone who supported me morally and spiritually. I really appreciate it.. Thanks for all the messages.. the concerns that I had.. thank you.. thank you.. I'll keep it in my heart forever.

I need another favour.
Pray for my health after this.

Thank you.
-Bella Ace

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Admitted..

..to gynae ward.

My 1st night here without husband and sons. I missed them.

Sad..my disappointment keeps on continuing.
This is pathetic.

Total sadness.
-Bella Ace

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Esok...

Takut. 😣

Monday, February 15, 2016

Changed for a better future

My new year 2016 resolution.

Changed for a better future.
3 years at the same pace is getting boring.
Need to speed up and changed everything drastically.. upside down, side to side.

I'm almost 30's.. No more playing games..
No more overdosed entertainment.

New workstation.. A new good start for me.
Positive vibes all around me.

G31 is not enough. No.. NOT ENOUGH.

Need to achieve more.

Educationally.. Career.. Health.. Love.. Family..

Ganbateh neh!!! 😊

**Spent my lunch in front of Pc**

Chiaws,
Bella

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Goodbye..

I've lost my baby.. at 14weeks.

I went for a regular check up at Klinik Kesihatan.. sugar and blood test.
When I went and see the doc, the doc did an ultrasound.. and she felt weird cuz the baby wasn't growing since the last ultrasound (2 weeks before). Which means, the baby's size is still at 12weeks.
I asked her, "how about the baby's heartbeat?". And she looked for fetal heart. She said she can't confirmed. And immediately issued a refer letter to Selayang Hospital.
I went to Selayang Hospital.. at the emergency, ultrasound scan still shows no fetal heart. The baby isn't moving at all. Usually I can see the movement..but this time around, baby is just lying there. There's no pulse. The emergency refer me to gynaecology department..Where the doctor run a thourough test..checking..and ask me many questions.. did an ultrasound again..with bigger size ultrasound machine.. she said sorry to me.. after seeing tears in my eyes. I said its okay. Then I asked about whats the next procedure.
She said that I can be warded the same day and D&C can be done the next day.. I asked her again.. What is the best solution for me. Since my case is different. No cramping..No abdominal pain.. No bleeding.. No nothing at all as signs that I had a misscarriage. She said its called 'missed misscarriage'.. Also known as 'silent misscariage.' No wonder I still feel like pregnant. I didn't know baby is already gone. So she gave me the best solution.. wait for it to discharge normally.. Because our body will eventually discharge it without  undergoing surgery or d&c. She gave me 2 weeks MC.. but I requested for 1 week only. Because I know my limit.. I can't stay at home. Surely this incident will crack my head up. Org cakap meroyan. I decided to go to work 1 week before the appointment date. I prefer to be around my friends. Get busy with work.. so I wouldn't think of it. 1 Week already passed.. There's still no sign of any weird discharge. What I need the most now is support.. from the people that I love.. Family.. Friends.. I know they think that they can't do anything. Actually they can.. by making me appreciate for every single thing that I have now. I still have 3 kids. Of course I'm devastated.. Sad.. Guilty. But I can't stay like this. It will only tear me down.. and broke me to pieces. I had to move on. Comparing to those that still doesn't have any kids. I should be grateful.

What makes me more depressed is questions.. assumptions.. pressures from few people.. They pm me and asked me many questions like they were the doctors. Crap. Go to hell.! I didn't do anything to hurt my baby. If it was meant to be, then what can I do? I've already done my best. Questions like 'ada minum apa² ubat?'.. or 'tu la.. berkasut tumit tinggi sangat'.. and even 'rahim ko x kuat tu'.
Semua macam sampah. Tin kosong. Tak tahu apa² tapi berlagak doktor.
I myself didn't even knew what the fuck is the main reason for this to happen. Even the doctor is messed up with question "so what went wrong? Everything is perfect..normal..cantikk.."
My servix is clear from any infections. The condition is 'cantik' bilang doktor.
My rahim is terletak elok cantik.
Kantung baby pun ok.. Semua normal.. "I don't know what went wrong." Bilang tu doktor lg.
Tapi boleh jd bnyk sbb.. there are cases baby stop growing and no fetal heart in a sudden. . I didn't just stop for that explanation. I googled.. and read many articles regarding missed misscarriage. Just to find out, what is the main cause. And I found out about many cases happens before. Due to incomplete chromosomes from parents. Its not because of cacat from either the parents. But its because during the process of conception, the sperm and ovum didn't actually complete the process. Stuff like that la.. I don't know how to explain details. (read source from baby centre down below)

Even my colleague's wife went thru the same situation. Baby stop growing at 10 weeks.. and the only simptom is a spot of blood. The next few months, she's pregnant again. And today the baby is almost 1 year already.. healthy. So that makes me stronger. and gained a little confidence to get pregnant again.

"A missed miscarriage usually happens because something went wrong in early pregnancy. Perhaps the embryo had the wrong number of chromosomes. At the moment of conception, when the sperm meets the egg, 23 chromosomes from each parent should meet, to make 46 in total.

Alternatively, perhaps there were the right number of chromosomes, but a piece of one was missing or duplicated. This means the genetic material carried on the chromosomes wasn't right for a baby to develop.

In a missed miscarriage, either the embryo doesn’t develop, or it doesn’t get very far and the heartbeat stops. Occasionally it happens beyond the first few weeks, perhaps at eight weeks or 10 weeks, or even further on."

-Source :
http://www.babycentre.co.uk/x1014493/what-is-a-missed-miscarriage

What makes me more depressed is my MIL. She kept calling my husband and told to do this and that. She said she had a friend of a friend of her who is a doctor and already asked for their opinions. Sigh! (My husband didn't even bother to tell me what she said cuz he know I won't be liking it). I know she is worried. But by doing that doesn't help at all. I prefer prayer from her. Not giving instructions to do this and that. I'm not stupid. And I can decide on my own. And the doctors that I've met is not cincai.. I trust that they are experts in their field. My mom is okay I guess. Althou she keeps asking how am I doing. And she said she hopes everything will be okay.. the procedure will went smooth.. and kept praying for me.

From what I've read.. tonnes of articles on the net.. forums and feedbacks from previous mothers who experienced the same situation, I think that I've made the best decision. 2 weeks observance for any discharge is normal procedure. And is much safer. Appointment date is on 17th. If till that date still no discharge, so I had to do d&c procedure. No choice. It still has to be removed to prevent septic or infections.

Pray for my health my friends.. my dear readers.
I just went thru a hell of a test from Him up above.
I believe everything happens for a reason.

I had to move on.

Chiaws,
-Bella