Friday, April 29, 2016

Pathetic

Sometimes I wonder.

People only look for others when they need something. Once they have it, they'll leave.

Some other time. They will look again. With intention. Wanting what they need. Once they got it, they'll go.

Pity the other party. Since giving, is the only thing they learn.

It's not like the one who keeps on giving is a stupid person. But because they really care and honest in the friendship that they have.. where they are willing and continue to be a fool. Even after realising it.

Taking advantage? Owh.. yaa.. that have crossed my mind tonnes of many times.
Actually everytime.

I don't know.

But there they are. Still fooling their ownselves.

Making a fool.

Playing dumb.

Couldn't embrace the real fact.

That actually... they are just being used.

Well correct me if I'm wrong in any of these.

I myself.. too.. are willing to close one eyes..

Walaupun kadang rasa dipergunakan,
tapi hati tetap dipujuk
"tidak.. kamu mmg penting"..
Hakikatnya
apa yang dirasa itu,
memang itulah realiti.

Dari diam.. aktif sebentar.. dan diam semula tanpa sebarang kata nafas hela.

Chiaws,
Bella.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Impian Terindah

I stumbled on this song via youtube. A song by Najwa Mahiaddin and I just fell in lurve...
Enjoy my cincai singing.. Can you see how much I love this song?

Prayers for my nephew

I've been visiting my nephew for the past few days.
Kecian my nephew.. He is 1 month old. Since birth belum pernah bawa balik rumah sebab ada complication.. Doc noticed that he has heart problem. Salah satu saluran dr paru2 ke jantung sempit..so there's not enough oxygen for the baby. Pndai jadi biru..
Baby and the mom came from Sabah last Saturday. I only managed to visit them on Tuesday and yesterday.
His name is Willeryanth Wilson. We called him baby Ryan.
Kesian baby.. Sedih² sy, sedih lagi mommy dia yang menanggung. Kesian.. Sudah la dia berpantang 1 bulan di hospital likas after delivery, dtg sini lagi untuk operation baby. Perut masih sakit.. Susu bengkak.. Since baby Ryan kena puasa utk operation.. so xda breastfeed. I gave my breast pump to the mommy. Coz she didn't bring her pump. She thought that she can breastfeed the baby directly. Sadly she can't.
The doc said that so far baby is stable. But there will be 2nd operation soon. They will have a meeting with the surgeons first, then they'll come up with a decision.

Please... kindly pray for my nephew's health.. Hopefully he will be strong enough to endure all the procedure..sucessfull procedure..and grow up as a normal kids healthily.
Pray for the mommy too.. may she have total strength to face all the possibilities.

Before going home I told the mommy to keep on praying.. And pump her breast milk. Kesian.. nanti bengkak susu, demam lagi ibu tu.
I was the only relative she have here. Huhu.. And all I can do is pay them a visit.. for a very limited time.. since I'm working.. and have kids to take care too..

Pray for Willeryanth everyone.. Please..
I believe in the power of prayer..
I believe in miracles.
I believe in God almighty.

Thank you..

Chiaws,
Bella

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Weekends

I'm in a dilemma.

Spending time with the kids is the only cure. I watch them sleep.. play.. eat.. fighting.. making a mess.. I usually will raise my voice at them. But these 2 days.. I can only watch them. No words uttered.

That guilt feeling inside of me.

Should I just wait and see without doing anything? Or should I do something?
If I did.. I might make it much worst.

My goodness.. What have I done?

Distracting my dilemma on these pics.
Owh..btw don't be scared of my bare and naked face. 😆

I also watched Hana Kimi (Hanazakari) Japan drama.. One of my crush during Diploma years.. Where me and my roomates were so damn crazy about the guys in the drama. When I was still single.. How times flies fast.. I'm 29yrs old this year..

Chiaws,
Bella

Friday, April 22, 2016

I'll keep it close to my heart

It was never my intention to interfere.
I know how it felt.
But I am the reason.
I am the culprit of the problem.

I don't know whether I should move on and keep breaking the walls ahead.
Or I should stop.. Cause I'm hurting other people.

I don't know.
I really don't know.
You didn't give me any chance to know about it at the first place.
I'm lost.. hanging by a thread.

Maybe I should go. Cause I didn't bring anything but hurt.

Its not fair.
I feel unfair.
Why am I not in the circle anymore.
I'm an outcast.

And you totally shut me out of your life.

Once upon a time. I was the only one who knows much about you.
THE ONLY ONE.

And here I am.. being left out because you find new friends to mingle to.

This old friend of you is now just a useless human being.

I'm still waiting.

One day when you're ready to open up to me, I'm here.. I'm right here ready for you.

But its just a matter of distance.
Because I'm going back home to where I belong.

I'm still hoping.
For you to tell me everything. Everything that I've missed..
The things that I've been left out.

Bella Luna.

Monday, April 18, 2016

Day 9

I'm feeling a little bit okay today.. Day 9? My goodness.. still hasn't fully recovered. Still have some flu and cough.. and my voice is kinda very annoying..
Well.. they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. 😉
As long the fever doesn't attack me like last Friday, I guess I'll be fine. Last Friday was a gloomy day. I didn't do any work. All I can do is sleep. Skipped my lunch.. and there I am. Sleeping. My colleague told me I was on fever. Maybe she touched my forehead. And I didn't even realize it. Cuz I'm so tired at that time.

It is true that you'll find who truly cares for you during sickness. Owh I found out about it really well. And its not like what I've expected.

Well, glad to be okay again. Shuuu shuuu fluu. please go away... I have 3 kids to raise..

Chiaws,
Bella

Friday, April 15, 2016

Hiatus

...until fully recovered.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Kawan atau "Kawan"?

Sampainya hati dorg ni..
1st time dibuat begini.
Sangat terkilan.
Tak pa la.. Now I know where I stand in their circle of friends. Not even in the inner circle.

Dulu-dulu zaman dia ada, apa saja aktiviti dia yang akan tanya dahulu "Grace, weekend ni kami pigi dot dot dot.. ko mo join?" atau.. "join la Grace.. nanti boleh bawa anak-anak ko".. or "Ko dpt join ka Grace?". 
Even not all of the time I said I'll join, but he always ask me. Walau setakat ajak-ajak ayam, I highly appreciate sudah bah.
I'll ask around too if there's anything coming up, just so I didn't hurt anyone's feelings.

What hurts me the most is when the closest one to me, also didn't say a word about this thing.. sedangkan bercakap dengan dia sampai la waktu pulang kerja.. 

It's not about the food. Its about how you treat your friends. Now I feel like all the friendship that I had for all this while is FAKE.
And I can feel that someday, the closest one to me will forget me.. forget who I am. Cause there's always new friends comes around.

Maybe I should focus more on going back home. 

Perhaps.. Silently.

Well nobody cares either.

Sigh!

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Superwoman MC

Being a mom requires you to be capable at everything especially when the husband is not around.

I've been a hard solid rock handling the kids alone. Sakit sikit² tu letak tepi. Paksa diri jadi kuat juga untuk urus anak.. and work at the same time. People might see us mom as a supermom.. We worked 365 days a year.. There's no MC at all.. Ko sakit kah, tetap kena jaga anak.. hantar and ambil anak.

But I surrendered today. 38°c.. Luar x panas. bila pakai thermometer br tau demam. Hidung tersumbat.. Kahak x pecah².. Kepala pening berdenyut. I guess I'll pass out after posting this post

I was telling him thru whatsapp that I fell sick. He just said take care.. And then went to celebrate his friend's birthday.

Pathetic.

Busan cam ni. X kana paduli..

-Bella

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Dear Diary..

It's been a week without him around. Life goes on as usual. I guessed I'm already immuned to this long distance relationship thingy. He's lucky I'm an independent woman. =P

I know you might be wondering what the hell is wrong with me.. sometimes posting rant.. my crying hearts.. My hay wire relationship... yadaa yadaa yadaa.. But hey,, I'm okay. I'm still hangin' here. Still smiling, sipping my tea while posting this post on this cozy Sunday afternoon... ^_^

It's just a girls thingy. Emotions broke us down sometimes. Despite talking to someone, I posted it out here. Hoping that everything will be okay right after that. Well, sometimes it does.. sometimes it gets worst.. depends.. Previously, I started this blogging during doing my bachelor degree at Johor, I spent a lot of time in the cc... for the first few semesters.. Then I got a laptop. Which I am still using it now. Hihi..

I've been in a long distance relationship since 2008.. hell yeah.. still getting thru it.

2008-2010 : Johor - KL (Weekend housewife)
2010-2011 : Stayed together
2011- April 2014 : KL - Bangi (Weekend husband)
April 2014 - September 2015 : Stayed together
September 2014 - December 2014 : KL - Sabah (Monthly husband)
Jan 2016 - April 2016 : Stayed together
April 2016 - now  : Monthly husband..

OMG the time line!! hahahahahaahaha!

So, don't worry. I'm still good.
Ignore me. This was just a stupid ranting media I am using to scream my heart out.. Sometimes it helps.. because he stalks this blog.. =P

I'll post more with pics after this.

Chiaws,
-Bella

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Alkisahnya seorang perempuan...

Jadi perempuan ni pelik..tapi benar...

So.. silalah reply mesej.. paham???
Puas guling2 atas katil x dpt tidur tau kalau mesej x kena reply. Huh!

Chiaws,
Si Perempuan.. Bella.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Again

Kan..baru 3 hari.. suda buat hal..

Kalau saya buat hal tau pula takut.. marah semua.. menangis segala..

Ini kalau dia. Huh!

Bosan pla lama² begini ni.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Read this

I never asked for money or gold.
I never asked for jewels or diamond.

I can finance myself. Thank you.

I just need your love. Your time. Your attention. All the three things that I need are mutually exclusive.
Without either one of them, its not complete.

Sigh!

Boys will always be boys!

Sunday, April 3, 2016

PJJ again

Daddy is back to KK again..
Sad.. but have to.. I hope one day my application to transfer KK will be approved.
There's so many reasons to stay here. I love it here. Friends.. and the environment..
But there's no other place than home.
Plus these kids needs their dad while growing up.
And my parents need a fair attention from me. I've left home since married. Kesian my mummy and daddy. Saya kurang bagi perhatian yang sepatutnya. They are not becoming younger. Everytime I went back, there's a new wrinkle on their face.
I've lost 8 years already being far from them. They have done so many things for me. Yet, I haven't done nothing for them.

We've sent daddy to airport this early morning.. his flight was at 6.30am. So we reached airport around 4am. Had our breakfast together.. And then I drove home with all the kids. Pehh... Punya la mengantuk!!! I haven't sleep since yesterday bah.. Packing brg daddy pun mau juga minta kawan. Hehe.. he said he will miss me. So these few days we've spent peacefully. No arguments at all. hihi.. Usually ada ja benda yang jd isu gaduh.. (gaduh² manja bah).
Tp masing2 kontrol diri.. marah sikit, kontrol.. pujuk.. Ya la.. mau berjauhan sudah kan..

I miss him already.. Rasa rumah x lengkap tanpa dia. Tiada suara2 sumbang suh kemas itu ini. Masak itu ini.. Selalunya ada request.. "Cyg harini masak.... ". And I will cook it for him. Sebab bila dia minta masak, tanggungjawab sy utk masakkan. I'm not good in cooking. I'm still learning. But so far apa yang saya masakkan, dia makan sampai licin. Kadang puji sedap.. Kadang ada komen kurang sikit. Tapi xpa.. sedap x sedap sy x kisah. Yang penting dia makan sampai habis.. Gemuk ja bah lakiku itu skrg. Cukup makan juga hahaha. 😜

I will be back home around end of May till early June. (Finger crossed)
Back for Kaamatan la bah.. The fest that I've been waiting every year. I haven't celebrated it since married. Ya la.. My in laws kan dusun tapi bukan yg jenis sambut kaamatan. I love my culture. My roots. My origin.. Its a beautiful festival. Minus the mabuk² lah. Walaupun itu kebiasaan, tapi jangan la bah smpai yang mabuk nakalapik.. Teruk tuh.. membahayakan kesihatan & nyawa.

Ok.. Mau sambung buat kerja rumah. Esok kerja suda.. uwaaa.. Handling the 3 kids on my own again.. Kau pikir cincai???  Sy xda maid mcm kawan² sy yg lain tau.. Semuanya urus sendiri. Yeahh.. SuperMom! Mari jadi Super!!!!

Chaiyok chaiyok!

Chiaws,
-Bella

Friday, April 1, 2016

Left group.. left group..

Left Group.

This kind of action in whatsapp group that I don't agree.
Kalau betul berkawan, whatever your friend say you will absorb not ditch.
Matang itu menerima, bukan mengelak.

I posted 1 picture of the late. Only 1 picture.
Then somebody left.

I did a crime??? Whoaa...

So whats with the whole album that you've posted on FB? 😏

Cliche.

Bila saya berkawan, saya jujur berkata-kata.. Kadang mungkin bagi kamu, apa yang ku katakan atau perbuat itu kasar. Tapi kasar² ku tidak ku sesekali mengutuk tidak juga sekali ku menghina 'kawanku'.

Usually the ones who stays with me whatever whoever however myself is, is the one friends who's sincerely wanna be friends with me.

It's up to you. I've been ditched.. blocked.. unfriended.. many times..

But I'm still here, whenever you feel like coming back to me.
I'm still here.

And sorry if I hurt your feelings.

Chiaws,
-Bella